Tuesday, 28 January 2014

The Bonk Buster Edition

Well, now that I've got your attention I'll guess have to apologise for the fact that this post (and possibly any post ever on Fudge) contains no sex – not even a little bit, none at all, nada, zilch.

Sorry …. ;-)

It's just the latest saga in the ongoing story that is Sarah Mac but I thought that title might liven things up a bit around here.

So, what's new?

Well, I was head hunted a few weeks back (kind of). A company I worked for a few years ago rang me up offering me some work. It's been a while since I worked in an office and so I had the usual concerns.

What the fuck was I going to wear?

Would they all hate me??

Would I make a complete arse of myself???

What the fuck was I going to wear????

Could I DO the job?????

What is the sun shone and I wanted to go to the beach and it was a work day??????

And, most importantly ….


I'd got rid of almost all my office wardrobe a couple of years ago on the basis that a) most of it was too big now and b) I hated it all. I had kept a couple of things though, Christ knows why as they turned out to be hideous!

I mean seriously, the stuff I used to wear to work … Uggg …

I did try it on though and asked Miss Mac's opinion – apparently hysterical laughter IS an opinion – sometimes I really love that girl, sometimes well … not so much …

I threw all the clothes into a heap and started again working out what (from the stuff I can cope with wearing) was suitable for the office without making me look like a tart.

It turned out to be a pretty tall order given that I live my life in jeans (not suitable), far too short dresses (I can get away with some of them I think with a bit of judicial accessorising), shorts (too cold and possibly not suitable) and other random stuff and then I went shopping so it wasn't ALL bad.

Luckily they don’t all seem to hate me. In fact, Id go so far as to say that so far NO ONE seems to hate me.

Obviously I HAVE made an arse of myself but hopefully they'll appreciate that it's one of my endearing qualities. I don't know, tell me what YOU think …

I've discovered with many years experience in offices that one of the ways to integrate yourself and make friends is to offer to wash up the cups. Now you would think that offering to make the tea/coffee would have a similar affect but no!!!

The thing is, if you constantly offer to make tea/coffee, then people think you just want a skive, a chance to get away from the desk and maybe gossip in the kitchen for a bit. Clearly there is some truth in that and I'm not above the occasional skive or gossip but it is not the way to make friends and integrate yourself so, what I do is this:

I keep my head down, I work my socks off, I’m far too busy for coffee/tea breaks unless someone asks in which case I look up with an air of (weary) surprise that the time has gone so quickly and I gratefully accept the offer of sustenance.

However, no one wants to do the washing up which incidentally takes just as long as the making of tea/coffee – takes place in the kitchen – and is ALSO a great opportunity for a bit of a gossip – it really is a win/win!

So, getting back to the making an arse of myself (which IS the only reason you drop by isn't it – be honest now … oh, and obviously for the non existent sex but I expect those people have stopped reading by now anyway).

My second day in the office and I decided it was time to put my theory into practice and picked up the cups and went into the kitchen.

Now, the kitchen is fairly small, the sink was right in front of me. I filled the sink with hot soapy water (it might be a skive but you've still got to do it properly) and then I reached for the dish washing brush in front of me.

My hand grabbed the brush, slid along it's length and shot off the end spraying soapy water all over myself. The dish washing brush remained firmly in position by the tap held upright by the suction cup on the bottom of it (which obviously I hadn't noticed).

If you're thinking that me covered in soapy water is the punchline then oh, how I wish you were right!

I pulled that bloody thing again but it didn't budge, I tugged it and turned it trying to break the suction and in the end I grabbed it with both hands and yanked it as hard as I could.

The effing thing unstuck itself with a very loud farting sound, and shot over my shoulder, out of the door, down the stairs opposite the door and landed at the feet of the leader of the local council who had just arrived for a meeting …

I marched downstairs covered in bubbles, completely mortified and snatched up my brush without a word – as I went back up the stairs I heard him say in a disbelieving tone – 'what an extraordinary girl' …

Other than that it's been pretty uneventful. I spend most of my time sitting opposite a gorgeous young thing who makes me feel about 103 and to whom I offer fluff covered mints from my coat pocket in the manner of a DOM.

I CAN do the job and so far it's mostly been pissing down with rain so I've had no beach dilemma.

So yep, all is good in the land of Fudge right now and who knows, maybe I will write that bonk buster one day (but don't hold your breath ...)

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

I Am A Work Of Art (although slightly abstract ...)

Well, it's the 14th of January so I thought I'd do a brief recap on my previous post and see how I'm getting on so far.

It seems I am, to be honest, still a bit crap at most things …

I am though making more effort to remove my make up at night and have invested in various elixir of youth in an attempt to stop my face collapsing into folds and creases but I haven't started to plait my hair before bed so Brian May lives on (have also avoided hair net and bed socks so far).

Have not had my sincerity tested yet but have spent some considerable time avoiding situations where it might be put into question which is almost the same thing isn't it?

Have not held any dinner parties impromptu or otherwise.

Have not called round to see neighbour who has/had tin foil as would then have to confess to having lost huge bunch of keys.

Have not (inexplicably) been invited to any dinner parties semi formal or otherwise, worn a dress, exposed my tits or drunk dessert wine.

Have checked out Joe Brown catalogue and considered buying thing that chops eggs into neat slices before remembering that have a strong aversion to hard boiled eggs and might perhaps do better investing in a jacquard waistcoat.

Have not worn a dress at all as too bloody cold/wet at the moment and so have not bought flesh coloured slip to languish at back of underwear drawer as token, never to be worn, decency item of underwear and have spent Christmas M&S voucher on gourmet chocolates and cycling shorts. (to be worn whilst actually cycling rather than as supplementary underwear for too short dresses)

Eaten all the strawberry and orange creams (as well as the caramels) from the secret box of Roses hidden in the cupboard under the stairs …

Have dressed appropriately on almost every occasion so far this year i.e. waders, muffler and balaclava.

Have not bought cardigan or given away chocolates or plucked eyebrows or cleaned carpets …

In addition I HAVE/WILL:

Spent a frantic half hour searching house and shed for bike before remembering I'd left it chained up outside Sainsburys the night before. (Also still pace the bike racks of town trying to identify my bike when I've remembered I've cycled in. Have not, as yet, invested in colourful scrunchie (as suggested by K) to slip over handle bar for easy identification.)

Developed an aversion to the automatic doors in Debenhams which have a slight delay and wait until the moment that I can't stand the indecision any more and reach out to push them before opening outwards towards me and smacking me in the face.

Decided to teach 14 (almost 15) year old daughter responsible dressing rather than responsible drinking as seems more age appropriate and responsible parenting - obviously having considered hair net, flesh coloured slip and a cardigan I am now fairly confident in my expertise in this area.

Observe that 14 year old daughter is almost without fail always appropriately dressed and realise that have apparently already taught her this valuable lesson perhaps by osmosis or something and feel slightly smug.

Wonder if others (like that man who stood in front of me rocking back and forth as I drank my coffee the other day) are also attempting to absorb my wisdom by process of osmosis AND if in fact this DEPLETES my wisdom or is it infinite? (in which case of course I'm happy to share but in fact suspect that they are STEALING it which might explains why I am so crap at most things or would at least absolves me of some responsibility for being so crap).

Thanked SD profusely for rehanging my bathroom door as the pin in one hinge had broken and it rubbed on the floor without pointing out that it now rubs on the top of the frame and is not exactly FIXED but is at least different as remembered from dog training book that one must always give praise for effort.

Remember to go online to book appointments for parents evening at end of month with Miss Mac's teachers and attempt to be slightly less smug in the fact that Miss Mac obtained 14 A's (and 2 predicted A*) in her report and an achievement award for excellence (attempted smuglessness … failed dismally ...) as this is possibly in spite of rather than because of positive parenting efforts and, after futile search of wardrobe for suitable, responsible parent outfit to wear to parents evening consider asking if I can borrow monks robe (or similar) from disapproving wife of over privileged wanker.

Stop reading Helen Fielding as have clearly (presumably also by osmosis) picked up Bridget Jones diary style format of blog posting (although as pointed out by the delectable Feisty Cat am sexier, funnier and a much better hostess!) but will attempt to revert to more 'Fudge' style in future. (am also slightly disillusioned with latest offering from Fielding as she inexplicably jumped almost 20 years, killed off Mark Darcy and turned Daniel Cleaver into a pathetically caricatured shadow of his former self which, should I continue to absorb, could lead to similar in own life).

Become a better person.

Monday, 6 January 2014

I Am A Work In Progress

Hello, it's me …

Remember me … ??


Well, you are forgiven. It's been a while and I barely remember myself so here's a quick reminder (I was going to give it fancy Latin label but didn't want to be accused of being intellectual snob and also can't remember fancy Latin label … )

So, without any further ado:

'My name is Sarah and I am ( to be honest) a bit crap at most things ….'

I feel I should start with a confession (but I've already admitted to being a bit crap) ...

Or some resolutions for the new year …

Or maybe I'll just carry on regardless and hope you didn't notice I'd been gone (did you notice …??).

Fuckit I'll just combine the whole lot in the manner of someone creating a new recipe.

Who knows, maybe Fudge will become the new bread or sponge cake or Boeuf Bourguignon or, (as is more likely) a complicated knitting pattern.

Anyway, while I ponder that thought here are a few things I've been considering over the past weeks.

I will/will not/possibly should (but probably won't):
  1. Take off make-up after a night out so that do not wake up with scary black caverns in place of eyes in pale face in manner of Edvard Munch scream painting but with additional mad Brian May hair and may even start plaiting hair before bed to avoid mad Brian May look the morning after (although slightly concerned that this might just be a short hop to wearing a hair net and bed-socks ….).

  2. Will always (in the manner of Garfield) be sincere whether I mean it or not.

  3. Will ascertain how drunk SD really is on Christmas Eve an hour after leaving him unattended and semi sober in the pub BEFORE replying to his drunken friends who say – 'I hear you are cooking chicken – can I come to dinner' in case he really HAS invited them!

  4. Will not send joky text in reply to SD's drunken friends who ask – 'I hear you are cooking chicken for SD and Jon – can I come round too?' but will ignore them in dignified manner rather than say – 'of COURSE, the more the merrier!'

  5. Will not panic when get text saying – 'Cool – me, Mark, Ray, Eddy, Neil, Rick, Sam and Luke are on the way' and start frantically counting the legs on the chicken muttering 'why the fuck do they only have two???' or send back text saying 'bring your own chairs'.

  6. Will not run out of house (still wearing too short for casual day wear but  possibly ok for Christmas Eve in the pub dress ) and bang on neighbour round the corners door to borrow tin foil (and enquire about possible spare chicken legs) and return bearing tin foil, large roll of carpet, home-made chutney and a huge bunch of keys as clearly, other than home made chutney, cannot serve any of these to possible impending guests.

  7. Will not at semi formal dinner party (obviously NOT mine ...) refer to or even think of fellow guest as an over privileged wanker.

  8. Wear a dress that inexplicably rides DOWN revealing tits in manner of porn star.

  9. Lean over table in porn star dress to reach desert wine (or spit disgusting dessert wine back into glass).

  10. Wonder why very plain and disapproving looking wife of over privileged wanker appears to be wearing a monks robe in fetching plum colour presumably obtained from Joe Brown catalogue where they sell such things along with jacquard waistcoats and things that chop hard boiled eggs into neat slices but remember that have just flashed tits at her husband so no doubt she has reason to look disapproving regardless of what she's wearing.

  11. Wear any dress that requires cycling shorts to be worn underneath and/or is see through ( but perhaps buy flesh coloured slip along with hairnet and bed socks with M&S Christmas voucher rather than gourmet chocolates and wine).

  12. Remember to top up tin of Roses chocolate from secret box hidden in cupboard under the stairs so that no one knows I have eaten all the strawberry and orange creams (as well as the caramels …).
  1. Teach daughter responsible drinking habits before next News Years Eve party.

  2. Debate with self possibility that teaching daughter responsible drinking habits before next News Years Eve party is in fact irresponsible parenting as should obviously be condemning demon drink to impressionable 14 (although almost 15) year old.

  3. Do not consider saying daughter is nearly 15 makes irresponsibly parenting somehow less irresponsible.

  4. Dress appropriately at all times but in particular when attending school events and NOT wear t-shirt with slogan 'Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?' to academic tutoring thingy in lecture theatre where, while waiting to see scary Scottish form tutor, am forced to sit in front row facing sea of teachers sitting round desks discussing children's progress with appropriately dressed parents (or alternatively take cardigan which buttons up to neck to hide t-shirt).

  5. Buy cardigan.

  6. Give unopened tin of Quality Street to deserving cause as Jan 6th is probably a reasonable time to stop eating chocolate for breakfast.

  7. Aide Memoire (I knew it would come to me!!!).

  8. Spend more time on personal grooming i.e. have eyebrows waxed on regular basis rather than just growing fringe to cover forehead and allowing eyebrows to run hither and thither across face like a lamb gambolling through a daisy strewn field in the Spring (although do not have actual daisies growing on forehead to my knowledge).

  9. Remember that if I have to ask myself (or others) if it's a long top or a short dress then it's probably a long top!

  10. Spend more time cleaning carpets and generally being a better person.