Tuesday, 26 June 2012

What The Plumber Said ...

"You look like shit - for gods sake go and put some makeup on"

Not your average. every day greeting from blow torch wielding, pipe bending ...  ok, whatever, who am I trying to kid? 

He's a postman who masquerades as a plumber in his spare time but frankly, who the hell can afford a bona fida plumber who charges you eighty quid just for the pleasure of sitting in all day when he fails to show?

I may have looked like shit but he looked a million dollars. Smooth, frizz free hair, perfectly arched brows and killer heels.

If you're a little confused right now you could read this (go on, you know you want to - it's funny, honest!)  or, I could just explain that Nikki had come as his alter ego ...  errm Nikki!

The first time I met Nikki was when I was recovering from food poisoning.  He came and perched on my bed and explain how he'd felt drawn to ex lax (that would be my ex husband for those not in the know) the moment he'd seen him cluelessly wandering around the plumbing section of B&Q.

It was also my first introduction to Marley his fuck off great grey standard poodle who without so much as a 'don't mind if I do' jumped up on to my bed, put his head on the pillow and drooled all over my flannel pillow case!

It's an odd kind of relationship but there's something quite appealing about a man who can not only blow your pipes but also blow dry your hair ...

Moving on ....

I've finally succumbed to Twitter.  I resisted for such a long time, after all, do I really need something else to waste my time with?

It seems I do!

I'm loving it and becoming very proficient, I shall soon be writing my guide on how to ... crashing around totally out of control probably making a complete prat and nuisance of myself but so far no ones actually slapped me down which I'm taking as encouragement.

Oh, and I've been cleaning, well, more breaking stuff if I'm totally honest but it's similar isn't it?

I blame this new coil, I'm in hormone infused overdrive.  In the space of 24 hours I've ripped a length of wallpaper off my bedroom wall (couldn't resist that little bit that had come unstuck).  Pulled the bloody blind straight off the window.  Broken a vase of glass roses and almost flattened a kitten with a stack of Sainsburys magazines (see, if you followed me on Twitter you'd know all this stuff! ;) I've been covering myself, the carpet and even some walls in paint and I've emptied and average of 3 tonnes of cat shit out of the litter tray a day (these kittens are bloody prolific crappers!)

What I'm not doing much of is sleeping which bring me right back to the beginning and the reason I'm probably looking like shit so I've decided to let Nikki give me a make over, Im thinking something like this might be the way to go ...

I could SO pull this look off!

Sunday, 24 June 2012

What The Neighobour Said ...

Today The Lounge is is coming from Musings Of The Misguided and the theme is neighbours - well I don't have too many stories about my neighbours although they, I'm sure, have MANY about me!  I had a little root around the blog though and I found this one - I'm very pleased to say that this neighbour seems to have moved on since this ...

"Get your arse over here, I'm in the mood for sex!"

I paused, said arse in the air, head buried in the weeds (that's NOT a euphemism btw, I was weeding my front area - also not a euphemism ;).

Slowly I raised my head and peered over the wall.

Almost directly opposite me is a row of houses that runs parallel to my street and I overlook their back gardens.

The second house in the street is split into two flats, the one at the top has a balcony with steps leading down to the garden.

There he was, on the balcony, wearing just a pair of faded, cut off jeans and a big smile.

Bear in mind that I've never met this neighbour, it's one of those places with a high turn over of tenants and a somewhat dubious reputation.

For a moment I considered the possibility that the sensible course of action might be to just say, oh, ok then - after all, he knows where I live!!!

Then he stuck his hand down the front of his shorts and scratched!!!

You think that was bad enough?  Yep, so did I ...

He then examined his fingernails (just what did he find down there???) and said "come on baby, come over, I know you're gagging for it".

You know what?  Enough!!!

I stood up, I swear I expanded at least 3 dress sizes.  I was just about to vault effortlessly clamber over the wall trying not to fall flat on my face (what with all my increased girth and everything) when he turned his back to me laughing saying, "yeah, I knew you couldn't resist".

Can you believe this?  I swear I couldn't make this stuff up!

I'd like at this point to say that I've never been so insulted in my life but I think it's probably true to say I almost certainly have. But sometimes, well, sometimes you just have to make a stand don't you?

I squared my shoulders, assumed my best 'dont mess with me mofo expression' and prepared to give him a piece of my mind.

Then I noticed something ....

Not only had he carried on talking with his back to me but, there was something in his ear .....

Oh right, hands free set ....

Yep, I KNEW that ...

Friday, 22 June 2012

K Is For ...

Feeling really bloody Krap still and completely unable to deliver the promised post.

It's also for K who has now had 2 sleepless nights of anticipation ;-)

And of course, K is for Kittens!

While I spend a little more time feeling sorry for myself  I thought I share a couple of pics of the kittens who are now 4 weeks old and causing complete chaos (I know, who'd have thought I'd notice the difference!).

Anyway, I'm giving this krappiness one more day of my life which I shall spend curled up on the sofa with cups of tea and a selection of DVD's before it's time is up.  I have a weekend to enjoy and this thing is not getting in the way dammit!


Wednesday, 20 June 2012

A Touch Of Crap

I feel like complete crap today, I actually went back to bed for a couple of hours which, as anyone who knows me knows, is almost unheard of.  I hate sleeping during the day, it makes me feel like crap but I figured I probably couldn't actually feel more crap than I already did so what the hell ....

Guess what?

I woke up feeling even more crap .... sigh ....

I made myself a coffee, cut myself a slice of banana cake, sat down, remembered I don't much like banana cake and only make it to prove that I can (having discovered a recipe that doesn't turn out like a stodgy piece of crap) and read a few blog posts.

I realised what a crap blogger I've been lately (and yes, I am going for the record for saying crap as many times as possible in a blog post because, well, because I FEEL CRAP OK??? ;).

Partly it's because I've been pretty busy doing stuff and haven't had the time or the energy to blog but then that's never really stopped me in the past.  I just haven't had the same compulsion to write which is a bit sad.

WoW has disappeared, I don't know what's happened to it, the blog and the FB page have just gone - Gill, if you read this, hope all is ok and many of us miss you!  So I don't have an outlet for my fiction, can't be bothered right now to go looking for one and I liked the little community we had over there.

I've been posting more on FB recently, one liners require so much less effort than a whole blog post don't they?

Naturally I've been sunbathing at every given opportunity and I've paid a couple of visits to the beach.  I've been decluttering, decorating and watching kittens trash my house - yep, they are running amok these days.

I spent a couple of hours with my favourite Mr O yesterday.  He text me to say he was passing through and what was I up to.

I was covered in crap and clearing Master Macs bedroom ready for decorating.  FAR to busy to take time off so of course I dropped everything and hopped into the shower.  A couple of hours up on the hills, a white Magnum and a little people watching.  It's amazing how busy that place was considering it's in the middle of nowhere (and the middle of the day on a work day) - it's obviously a magnet for clandestine rendezvous!! 

We observed several couples arriving separately in cars, disappearing into the undergrowth and returning slightly dishevelled to go their separate ways tsk tsk!

Late afternoon I went over to the farm with SD to 'help' cut the mammoth hedge (for help read sunbathe on the lawn whilst he cut the hedge) and this morning I met up with lovely Lou for coffee and a gossip.

I didn't start the day feeling crap, far from it.  I was outside painting the stone pillar on my gatepost (not even half as grand as that sounds btw) at 7:30 this morning.  The sun was shining and I was full of enthusiasm for the day ahead.

It all fell apart after a very frustrating meeting once I left Lou.  It's connected with the ongoing situation that I've mentioned before.  Im finding the whole thing frustrating.  I feel some people are just paying lip service to the whole thing and it's really pissing me off!

Hmmm, anyway.  I came out of the meeting and the sun had disappeared, it's overcast and feels like thunder.  This weather doesn't suit me, I like sun shine or failing that, let it thunder.  I love a good storm and it would clear the air.  Im going out into the garden to do a rain dance now.

Again, I don't seem to have written the blog post I started out to write.  Just on here for a bit of a bitch and moan (and so you know Im still alive) - tomorrow my lovelies I shall write a proper post, lots of damned 'things' to share including my neighbour across the road asking me if I  ..... oh, hang on, if I tell you now I'll have no blog post will I ...?

Watch this space ;-)

Friday, 15 June 2012

Things I learned (and know) this week

I'm stealing this idea from from E at Whining at the World (I have also mostly stolen her intro too ;)  E stole it from Allison Tait who, as you probably all know, blogs a Life in a Pink Fibro. While Allison is busy packing to leave the Pink Fibro, she needed blogging motivation so she borrowed the idea from Maxabella.

Well, I need blogging motivation too.  I've lost my way a little, blogged a little of the dark and the deep which obviously scared a few people as I seem to have lost 3 followers.

The bottom line is that I needed to decide if I wanted to carry on blogging and, if I did, what direction was it going to go in?

Well, I quite like the way Fudge used to be and I quite like the person I used to be too so I've had a bit of a shake up in the last few weeks.  Got myself back on the right track and here I am, back to telling you about all those damned 'things' that just seem to happen to me :-)

While I get my blogging head back together I thought I share a few things that I've learned or know because you know what ... ? 

You might just find they come in useful some day ;-)

I'm also going to link up with Dorothy from Singulair Insanity for Things I Know.

1. Frogs contain copious amounts of frog juice - I learnt this last year when Bear (the cat of little brain) left half a frog in my kitchen - I also leaned at this point that a grown man will, given the choice, prefer to deal with half a frog rather than a mofo live slug whereas a teenage girl is quite happy to flip that sucker straight over the fence into next doors garden (you can find the full story here ;).

2.  Poking yourself in the eye with a mascara brush really bloody hurts - discovering later in the day that your brand new mascara comes with a built in light is great but not so great if you discover it by thinking 'oooh, what does this do' and shooting a laser beam straight into your remaining good eye!

3.Muff is apparently spelt with 3 f's - I would attempt to explain how I know that but I feel it may incriminate me.

4.  If you are stupid enough to go off roading in one of these:

Then be fully prepared not to be able to turn your head to the right for the next 3 days.

5. I am possibly the least insane of all my friends (which really is very disturbing).

6.  Never offer to carry 2 takeaway coffees on a windy day when you are wearing a short dress.

7.  Bread apparently talks to some people (see no. 5)

8.  Delusions of vodka may soon be a recognised medical condition.
9.  I actually dont look too bad in a bikini but as I live in the UK the chances are that no one but me will every be a party to that fact.

10.  There are many people out there who write far more insightful, meaningful and sensible lists than me but the advantage of putting them in a blog post means that I can't lose, doodle on or eat them so mine still have some value.