fudge

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Hog Tied

Now it's possibly that title might get me a few unintentional hits on my blog.  But if you were looking for a bit of S&M, sorry, you came to the wrong place :)

I had a dream on Monday night.

(Well, technically it could have been any time between about 1:30am and 6:45am on Tuesday morning when I was sleeping.)

I dreamt I had a voicemail message.

It was from someone who is very important to me.  Someone I think about often.  Someone who has had a huge impact on my life and has been a big influence on me and the person I am today.

In my dream their message is very garbled. They are upset, in tears possibly.  They are trying desperately to tell me something.

I catch the odd word and try and make sense of it.  I don't know if I have understood what they are trying to tell me. I listen to it over and over.

I THINK I know what they are saying but I'm worried.

I'm worried that I hear what I want to hear.

I've been thinking about it quite a lot.

So why not just phone them?

Well, it's a little more complicated than that.

The truth is my dream is almost certainly a projection of my own feelings.  It's not a sign.  It's not because they were thinking of me.  It's not something I could/should or will follow up.

There is no message on my phone and IF this person was thinking of me.

If they really DO have something to say.

If there is something I should know.

Well, then I guess I will hear from them ...

I heard the expression hogtied earlier this year.

Yes, NOW I know what it means :)

But, before I googled it (and OMG please DONT!) I'd actually been confusing it in my mind with hamstrung (pigs/bondage - see where I'm coming from?).

Actually, you may not so I've just googled hamstrung to give you a definition.

Wiki says: "Hamstringing" or "to be hamstrung" can also be considered a metaphor which refers to putting someone at any unfair disadvantage with respect to their competitors


Ok, so MY definition is:

Feeling powerless. Unable to express yourself out of fear of being misunderstood. Or maybe even because you ARE afraid of being understood and not getting  the response you crave.

Having things you desperately want to say but feeling you can't for fear of the consequences.

Anyway, that's kind of how I feel now.  I feel I'd just be making a fool of myself.

So no, I won't do anything.

I'll sit back.

I'll carry on blogging.

I'll continue to live my life, dreaming my dreams.

I'll carry on just being me.

(But a little bit of me will always wonder if they were thinking of me at that moment and if maybe they feel a little hamstrung too ...)

15 comments:

Steve Bailey said...

Ive had a similar dream before too.... when things were a little out of my hands in my life. But in case you were wondering.... the verdict came back not guilty and the dreams stopped!

Lillie McFerrin said...

I can relate to this! It can be such a helpless feeling, the maybe, maybe not, should I, should I not!

Your definition is spot on!

Sarah Mac said...

Thanks Steve :) That's a comfort but I'm still too much of a whoose to take the risk.

I probably waste far to much time debating the dilemma Lillie - part of me thinks 'just do it' after all - what's the worst that can happen?

Part of me know the I probably couldn't deal with the answer to that and so I leave well alone.

Sarah Mac said...

Hmmm, when will blogger ever let you edit comments? 'part of me knows that' is what I meant to say :)

Rollercoaster Mum said...

Maybe you should get this person to read your blog? That can be tricky though as I know as I still haven't told my OH about mine and I am beginning to feel I should but feel a bit hamstrung about this myself. I'm not sure I want to know what hog tied is and I don't think I'll google to check!

Jayne said...

I wish there was an easy answer, Sarah xx

Sarah Mac said...

Believe me RC Mum - you probably DONT want to know what hog tied is :)

Tricky re your OH - I guess if you wrote a diary you wouldn't feel you should share it with him ... I think if you think it would inhibit your writing then maybe keep it to yourself. I'm not a great believer in keeping secrets but as they go I think a blog is probably a harmless one to have.

I have to say, knowing that people I know read mine doesn't seem to inhibit me much (which is not necessarily such a good thing at times!;)

Me too Jayne ... I'm pretty sure I'll just carry on doing what I'm doing (ie nothing). Well, unless I have one to many vodkas one night that is! xx

Sarah Mac said...

Believe me RC Mum - you probably DONT want to know what hog tied is :)

Tricky re your OH - I guess if you wrote a diary you wouldn't feel you should share it with him ... I think if you think it would inhibit your writing then maybe keep it to yourself. I'm not a great believer in keeping secrets but as they go I think a blog is probably a harmless one to have.

I have to say, knowing that people I know read mine doesn't seem to inhibit me much (which is not necessarily such a good thing at times!;)

Me too Jayne ... I'm pretty sure I'll just carry on doing what I'm doing (ie nothing). Well, unless I have one to many vodkas one night that is! xx

Kelloggsville said...

once I'd got past hogtied.com and onto wikipedia things got a little less, well, errr, hot. You did warm me, but I shall be needing a cup of tea to get over it!

I write letters in those sort of situations, it gives me a sense of release but a level of control still.

Kelloggsville said...

warn ! not warm ! :D

Sarah Mac said...

Ha ha, I'll bet it 'warmed' you as well ;)

I think you might need something a little stronger than a cup of tea after that!

I have tried the letter writing, well, emails that I leave in draft anyway and it does help a little. I just have to make sure that I don't give in to the urge to send them, now that probably would be a huge mistake!

Romina Garcia said...

I've got this theory, that if you can't get someone out of your head, then maybe they're supposed to be there. Hope you get the peace you are looking for x

Sarah Mac said...

Thanks Romina :) x

joeh said...

I found this pos while surfing for "BACON" what is on your mind that's so wrong with HOG TIED?

Anyway this is still an interesting post even if it has nothing to do with bacon.

Cranky Old Man

Sarah Mac said...

Oh really Joe ;)

I may do a piggy post just for you :)